FeEl thE Blue Of LiFE

I am not begging for your concern, I am not begging for your attention, I just want find someone who can turn to....that is you.
I am an ordinary girl. As what teenegers did, I continue my study after finished my SPM. And my dad helped me choose the best way he though is the best way to success. So, I am here. I am study at Ipoh now,if everything is going smooth, I will be a teacher after 5 years.^^
Everyone say i am the apple of the god, he loves me and my life is wonderful. Everything is under my control. I should happy with what I have. But why I still not that satisfy with my life?
I am not happy as i found that I am nOt that optimistic after leave my birth place. I was well protected by my parent, family and my friends. Since I left my small society there, it hardly to communicate with other people. We all come from different places, having different family background and education status. Although we are all chinese (mean we share same races background), why still seem so tough to get know each other?
Like what Little Mango siad, once a place has more than 10 girls, there sure will be competition. Ya, compete results, assignment, clothes, accesories, boyfriend, money and many many more. Everything which can compare, they will compare. Ladies world like a stupid world T.T
Maybe they are too too too boring, need find some entertainment. But, why they want to involve the innocent people into?
Everyday, sit in the same environment with them, listen to the fucking bitch sound... You will never know how suffer am I. ( Now i am listening to their irritating sound, they are singing...). Maybe you will say, just don't bother what they say, you have to concentrate on your study. No, gosh...you never know what they will going on your back. Not really happy at here, though I smile, I laugh and chit chat like a pasar with friends here. I felt that I am still lack of something...what is that?....maybe...trust....I have try to belief others.
Wearing the mask too long, will tired too. I am so tired being pretension, stared at their faces...what are the real expression behind the smiles?
ArGhhh, i hate my feeling going blue...so blue...not like my true-self. Please, bring back myself. My friends said, I am not optimistic anymore, I smile but seldom laugh. I was told my friend that dont over protect herself. Nevertheless, I look at myself, I found that there are no differenciation between her and I. I could feel that I slowly altered, from bad to worse. Of cause, I mean my attitute have being altered a lot.
I have fall in love with raining day. Not just because can sleep during the raining day, but i could feel the sadness of the weather. Day go slowly, and I slowly become pessimistic. Why i become like this?
Because of this big society?( i think nop, cause my class not a big class)
Because I am getting mature?( I don't think so, papa say that not sign of mature)
Maybe i just....
I need not have to judge what happened to myself. And i also can't find a fair judgement to myself. Don't you think so?
Yeah, my life not empty...At least...my heart not empty....at least....
There are many way to continue my life, and i keep finding....finding.....
You choose your way to life, and I have my freedom not to belief you.....